Healing and Choices

April 9, 2021

Today I reflect on all the choices I have had to make along my healing journey.

The choice to put my self-care into my day so I could be in the lives of those I love.

To commit to my new path of self-discovery even when it hurt and was uncomfortable. Understanding that no-one could do this for me.

The first time I sat in silence, it felt so foreign. My body fighting the urge to get up and be busy. I don’t have to think and feel if I am busy.

If I allow myself the time to write out my thoughts would this flood gate of emotion be released and I would be left a puddle on the floor? Funny thing, I some how only released what I was able to manage at the time. Maybe my soul knew I had to heal gradually with little steps, not all at once.

I knew I had to introduce foundational practices. Sleep was very important. I can’t be making decisions for my family if I can’t think straight. Getting outside for a walk everyday at lunch became my time. After work I was a caregiver, mom, taxi driver, etc.

I was so afraid of what was ahead for me. I didn’t know what my husband’s death would look or feel like. I had never experienced death of a family member. I was afraid of how I would cope through this pain and be there for my children.

What I learned from my experience is that it happens one day at a time. One choice at a time.

If I made the best choice possible in the moment it set me up for a better experience. I still made mistakes, that is how I learned the lesson waiting for me.

My choice to commit to a healthier daily practice allowed me more energy, mental clarity and ability to adapt to my ever changing life.

There were days that I was a mess, a puddle of tears but I somehow felt lighter when I released what bubbled up.

My choices have allowed me to be where I am today. Grateful for the love of a partner I chose in life. To celebrate the children we have together. To acknowledge the life we were blessed to have together for 24 years. I know some people don’t get this chance in their lives.

Although life was chaotic, crazy, traumatic and hard at times it has given me the gift of appreciation of every new day, appreciation of every new person that enters my life. I have a choice to live life today!